NOTE: I listened to this song on repeat almost the whole time I wrote this. It will definitely get you in your feels, but it is amazing: Masego- In Yo Feelz
Also, it takes a lot to say something this personal and still very sensitive to me. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and opinions. Really.
I don’t know if I should write this, I’ve been wanting to blog something, but didn’t know if I should. I still do not know if I should. There are some lines you just choose not to cross. There are just some things you choose not to disclose, especially personal and intimate things close to your heart, and I will keep that in mind as I write this. By the way, I have a horrible headache, sore throat, and runny nose right now, allergies obviously, but I’ll just throw it in as an excuse for anything immodest I say.
I can’t predict the future. And I’ve chosen to adopt the saying “Let Go, Let God” for this particular situation. But I’ll go ahead and throw out some rash statements. Don’t fall in love. Don’t do it. Not young anyway. Wait till you’re at least 30 and it’s the time to settle down or whatever. Why, you ask? Yes, this is a bitter, sad girl who just dealt with a breakup. But no, it’s different. So different. You would not understand. I was so stupid. I told myself that we could be different than everybody else. That what we had was special. Truly special. God sent. I still want to believe it. I still want to have hope. But when does that hope go away? Because it’s just a smokescreen, a blindfold to reality. The reality that maybe we just do not belong together. No one wants to believe that though. Not when they love someone. And I get it. Love. Strong word. But I don’t throw it around. Never did. And as far as it goes trying to prove to anybody that I actually do love this person, like truly and honestly, I will have to stop right here. That gets a little personal. All you need to know is I’m in love and I’m hurt. Hurt so bad.
I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. This feeling of betrayal and guilt and regret. Watching something beautiful and pure you had disappear into thin air because of materialistic, shallow, dishonest things will have an effect on you. Because we did. We had something I thanked God for everyday. I wanted to be my very best when we were together. I was vulnerable, raw, real, pure. What we had was honest, it was kind. It was something I couldn’t distinguish. Something I couldn’t put my finger on. I don’t know how it came to pass. It came into my life at a very unexpected time, but the right time. And I could change “it” to “he”. But I wouldn’t do that because I’m not talking about him. Remember, “it” is the love we had for one another. The bond we shared. It came at the right time. And I was not ready to let that go. But, like Ferris said, “life moves pretty fast”. And we let everything but us tear us apart. That was something I always tried to avoid in any type of relationship. Why let other people dictate you? Why let others decided what you want? Communication becomes miscommunication, and the problem becomes 4-5 problems, and something you just can’t come back from. Something you don’t know how to fix.
I think what hurts the most is that I tried. I tried to force things to be how they used to. Before the yelling, the arguing, before I came to college. I wanted it to work so bad. I wanted him to know that my love was unconditional and very real. And I had a scenario in my head… how it would all work out. I made up a plan. And my plan would work. But you never intend for people to act a certain way or say things you never thought they would say to you. I watched someone I love turn into something I always tried to avoid. Something I didn’t recognize, a voice I never heard before, words never uttered to me before. It hurt me to my core. Being pushed away over and over again despite my efforts. For the one person who said the sweetest, most dear things to me to turn around and treat me like I was a complete stranger. Like I didn’t invest my time, all my heart, and soul into what we had. Like he didn’t know who I was all that time. Because, let me tell you, I let him know who I was. I made sure he knew. But we blindly became strangers, or at least we acted like we were. We talked to each other like we were. And I was part to blame for that. Because I tried to make everything the way I wanted it to be. I tried to follow my plan. But it’s not my plan. It’s God’s plan. And no I’m not sitting here putting all the blame on me. Because it’s not. But I’m not going to play the Blame Game anymore, that’s been enough. There comes a time when you have to stop pointing fingers and figure out where you’re gonna go from there. So, I concluded that if it’s not the wrong person (it could be, but that hope, remember), then it’s the wrong time. And yeah I know, that’s cheesy and cliche but it’s true.
Ultimately, I’m left with a bunch of questions. Was it real? Was any of it real? Should I have done this or that? Should I have walked away a long time? Was the whole thing even worth it?
I wouldn’t take it back. Despite the pain I’m feeling, I would never take it back. And given, most things I go through I wouldn’t take back, because they are learning lessons.
There’s one thing I fear, however. Even more than never talking to who I thought was the love of my life ever again. I fear my future relationships. Because, obviously, this is going to affect them. And that’s whenever I decide to have one again. So back to that advice: Don’t fall in love. I mean it. Why invest yourself in a person when all they’re going to do is let you down? That’s my question to myself now. I guess I’ll tell you when I figure it out.
My advice is hard to follow, I know. So, here’s an exception: Don’t fall in love, unless the person you’re falling for is falling with you. This exception comes from something I hate to admit. Sure, I love hard. But I should be with someone who loves just as hard and just as much. If that can’t happen, don’t love at all. That seems a bit bitter, but I mean it. REMEMBER! It’s a strong word. It means so much. It’s precious. The love you give someone is precious and priceless, at least mine is. Don’t give it out in vain.