I’ve been in college for about three weeks now. I actually cannot believe it’s September already. Before you know it, 2016 will be here, and I’ll already be done with my freshman year. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Three weeks is not a long time, but of course, it has felt sooo much longer. And, unfortunately, my time here has been questionable, not exactly how I thought it would be. (In my last post, I told you guys to watch out for the pessimistic, dark side of me that would eventually show up…well…she’s here)
I was worried about missing home, I’m doing good about that right now. I was somewhat worried about getting back into the swing of school, just on a different level, but surprisingly, I’m doing good with that too. I WAS NOT worried about the fact that I would have a hard time connecting with people here. But I have. I am having an extremely hard time with that element.
Everyone’s been nothing but nice, especially in the small town and Christian environment I am in. But being nice is it, all they really are. Everyone has said that here, at my particular school, everyone’s interested in who you really are and your struggles and so on, that’s something upperclassmen and staff has stressed. The freshman class has expressed through Twitter, Facebook, Insta, etc. how much they are excited to spread their wings and meet so many new people. That’s all great. It really is. But THAT’S ALL IT IS. You meet somebody this day, smile and laugh at your encounter, but that’s it. It doesn’t mean anything. No one really cares about me. No one cares what I say, what I do, how I feel. Truly and honestly. And it’s not something they do intentionally, shit, THEY ARE STRANGERS. Why should they care?
But that’s the problem. EVERYONE, literally, EVERYONE, from my suitemates to the people from K-Town (Kyle) where I grew up, are STRANGERS. And that’s how it seems like it will stay. Everyone seems to have found somebody to see, hangout, chill with. I get it, don’t say it, how can everybody have their best friends within three weeks? That’s not what I’m saying. Everyone has found potential good/best friends to have. They’re acquaintances right now, but soon enough, it will change, and they will build relationships to last a lifetime. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer, you’re thinking. Or you’re thinking, this girl is just a complaining wallflower who doesn’t know how to socialize with people. It’s a little more complicated than that.
I’m in between. I’m not a girl to go out and party every weekend. There’s some nights I like to be alone and I’m happy. But the other half of the time, I love to be out having a good time and being around great people. Also, I was taught a very valuable lesson growing up, to watch people before befriending them so easily, see what they’re about and go from there. So perhaps I’m being a bit too cautious. I don’t know what it is. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
Is it because I’m black? YES, that’s a question I have to ask. This school and town is literally 90 percent Caucasian and it’s not something that’s bad or something that I’m not used to. But let me explain it like this. When mostly everyone sees me, whether it’s a professor or another student, the way they would describe me (to someone or in their head most of the time) is “That black girl.” They don’t think about any of the other girls (whom are white) like that. They can’t. There’s too many of them to be described that way. If I went to a school or lived somewhere with more people of color or mostly POC, they could not describe me as “that black girl”, because there is too many around to be described that way. You got to dig a little deeper, you got to try a little harder, for example “that tall girl with black curly hair”. And based off of where I’ve always lived, I doubt that I’ve ever been described without the use of the color of my skin. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s hard to explain my struggles to people who will never have to experience those struggles. And there are black people here, but even then, I just do not seem to belong.
And, don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried. I’ve put myself out there, and each attempt I’ve made myself look like a fool and kind of just got shut out. Fine by me. For the past couple years, I’ve learned not everyone is gonna like me, and if they don’t, then they’re not worth my time anyway. So before you think, that’s all I care about here, being around others to be happy, you’re wrong. I said it at the beginning, I don’t mind being alone. I don’t need friends in my life 24/7. I know balance, and it’s something I really want to achieve in college.
But that’s the thing. I’m alone too much. It’s a little scary. And my deepest fear is maybe I’m not who I thought I was all along, all my life. Maybe I’m not as social as I think I am, my family(sisters) reminded me of that. They really don’t think I’m trying. And I’m not lying to myself. I know when I’m around my triplet sisters I’m a lot more comfortable and flamboyant and talkative. But I also know when I’m not around them I do just fine. But… am I wrong? Maybe I’m not doing fine. Maybe I’m not as fun and interesting and cool as I really thought. Everyone in college is fun, interesting, and cool, a lot more than I am anyway. My voice isn’t being heard. I’m not standing out. And that might sound shallow and prima donna like, but it’s something I was used to, at least when I went to a new place/school. Now that I’m writing this, and I’m saying this I can say almost shamelessly that it’s something I love and crave for. Standing Out, Attention. And not bad attention, not the type to just get it by doing stupid ass shit. But influential attention, if that’s even a thing. I want to be somebody people look up to, the type of person that when I talk everyone cares about what I say. Because I have SO much to say. And my sisters aren’t here, and maybe, just maybe that’s the reason I always stood out. It is. My sisters and I are triplets, same age, same grade, same classes, same friends, but DIFFERENT personalities. People were invested and interested in that, in that idea. Not the actual me. Not Starr.
So I sit here, in my dorm, the place I’ve been in ALL weekend (literally I have not left the room, except last night when I went to the lobby to pick up my Chinese food that I ordered), asking myself, What’s so special? And then I think about everyone else that goes to this stupid school and ask “What’s so special about them?” and I answer myself, “Not a damn thing.” But obviously there’s something in them that’s not in me, because they have acquaintances and plans, plans they’ve made with those acquaintances so they can get a little more acquainted. What am I missing? What the hell am I doing wrong?
I also consider that I could be acting very dramatic, because I am. And there’s still optimism in me. It’s been three weeks (that’s it). Calm down, I tell myself. Take a deep breath. God will find the right people in your life. He’s taking you through a journey that you don’t think you’re prepared for, but you are. I tell myself that. But there’s those days that insecurities creep in, the Devil creeps in, and he tells me I’m not worth shit. I don’t have my family here, I don’t have that noise, those distractions I used to have. I’m alone. And it’s so scary. And the one person I thought that would get me through this is not even around anymore. It’s a real sucky situation. But, don’t get me wrong (don’t ever get me wrong–I think that’s what people are doing here). I’m gonna continue reading my Bible (I am getting closer with God here 🙂 so yay), I’m gonna continue to put myself out there, find something to do, laugh every once in awhile. But don’t sit here and tell me it’s not hard. Because it’s so much harder than I expected.
My advice to anyone who has even read this far is that if you’re going through the same thing, you don’t think anyone likes you, or truly cares to like you, I can tell you someone who does. GOD. And if you don’t believe in him than he has given you somebody physical on this Earth that does (family, mom, dad, siblings). And I would say that God and my family are enough for me (because they are), but God made me a different way. He built me different. He built me to have a voice, to speak to people, to have an opinion. And I don’t have that right now. I’d give more advice and tell you how I learned from this, but I have yet to. Let’s give it some time. So I’ll be back to tell you what happens of this problem of mine. Thanks for listening.